relationships really mess me up and i haven’t even had a proper one. honestly idk if i’m fit to handle a relationship. i’m still getting over stuff that happened months ago. i’m still sad, still missing her. the dreams had mostly stopped for a while but i’ve dreamt about her almost every night this week. hell, i had a dream about another sort-of-ex that i haven’t spoken to in two years. i’m wondering if anyone every truly and fully gets over anyone, or if feelings will always linger, and it’s just that no one talks about it because you’re not supposed to remember how you felt for people four years ago when you’ve got a thing with someone else right now. cause you don’t want that person anymore but sometimes you still get sad thinking about how it all went. but that’s hard to explain.
idk. i’ve just been thinking about how it all went i guess. and like i said it’s hard to explain. i regret how i acted. in a choose your own adventure game this would’ve been the path that lead to the “game over” screen. if i’m truthful i wasn’t ready for any of it. i knew i wasn’t ready. but i kept pursuing her because it was the first time i was really able to feel for someone again. i knew it wouldn’t work probably two months in when my jealousy started getting out of hand. i knew those weren’t healthy feelings. it was just…inner conflict the whole time. i don’t blame myself for everything, but a lot of it was my fault. it started to fall apart the moment i got insecure. that line of thought spiraled, as it always does, and i don’t like what i turned into.
but i don’t regret loving her. it’s really fucking cliche but it’s the whole “if you love her let her go” bullshit. i just want her to be happy. i would’ve hurt her if i kept talking to her, and i would’ve hurt myself. i want to talk to her now, i miss her so goddamn much. i always see shit i think she’d find hilarious or think of something and want to tell her and then i’m like “oh.” but i think it would probably still be bad for me. and when i get in a bad place i lash out at the people around me. i’d be a shit friend if started talking to her and immediately turned into an asshole, wouldn’t i? plus idk if she’d want to talk to me. if we do talk again someday it will probably be like… my choice to initiate conversation, her choice to continue conversation. i have to think about myself as well. how i am, well, that determines whether i am capable of being a good friend. if i can’t be a good friend, i can’t talk to her. that wouldn’t be fair to her. wouldn’t be fair to either of us.
idk. if she sees this that’s okay. i don’t really have anything to hide. i’m just venting and trying to figure out what’s up with me and what to do next that’s best for me. because i really miss being her friend. i miss talking to her. we might not talk again but i hope we do eventually. i don’t want to lose another friend forever.